As a doula I have the special privilege of seeing the truth in pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. Families will share things with me that they keep hidden away from the rest of the world because they know that I am coming from a place of support and free from judgement. That truth is something that most people keep tucked away, they bury it deep down inside them and rarely share it with anyone, even themselves. Parenting is not only hard work, but it can feel overwhelming. The thought that you might be swimming upstream forever as the days and nights blend together in a broken sleep cycle. Our modern culture tells us that we must not only do it all, but look good and enjoy every moment. Snap back to yourself and be ready, chipper and active no later than 6 weeks postpartum. The truth that is hiding in all this, is not that this is incredibly hard, we know that though it’s rarely spoken out loud The truth is that it’s actually impossible because we were never meant to do this alone.
Did you know that the latest statistics show 1 in 7 women suffer from postpartum mood disorder, and 1 in 10 men. The researchers actually believe it’s higher than that but we aren’t catching everybody because many remain silent. We are expecting so much from new parents and offering very little support. It seems that our societal demands on families have increased while the support networks have significantly decreased. When our ancestors raised children they were living in a society that came together to help each other. Extended family often lived in the same area and “the village” really was a thing. Help rarely needed to be asked for, it was just expected that everyone would come together to support the new parents. There was a great connection between everyone, a connection that is very different than the one our current technology creates. This connection was real and raw, you saw all the parts of someone, not just the joyful moments. There was no Instagram filter to make the dried spit up on your shoulder less noticeable. Your community knew your struggle, but also they stepped in to support. Rather than a push to “get back to normal” they had a priority and respect for rest and healing. Sadly, the village is mostly gone and replaced by networks, wires, filters, and glorifying the over scheduled life.
If you are that parent who is striving to appear as if you have it all together please don’t feel bad about this. I’m not trying to shame anyone, but the truth I know as a doula is that you aren’t alone and I wanted to you know that. I have seen the most beautiful Facebook family and I know that they are having their fair share of tears, struggle, guilt, and loneliness. I want to create the possibility that we let things go and try being real. This Mother’s Day, I want to encourage you to listen to the part of yourself that is screaming “this is so hard” and follow that truth by asking yourself what you really need. Maybe you don’t know what you need, in that case just listen to yourself, talk to a friend, write in a journal, but give that feeling some space. Don’t tuck it away and bury it under a filter and a smile.
There are new parent support groups and warm lines that you can call for peer-to-peer support. You don’t have to be depressed or have a diagnosis or mood disorder to call these numbers, they are for any new parent who could benefit from talking to someone.
Asking for help (even if it’s just a listening ear) is so important. When we do this we are modeling to our children that they too can ask for help and communicate their needs and feelings. When you ask for help this also creates an opportunity for someone else to feel needed and useful, as well as the opening for them to be vulnerable with you or someone else. When we ask for help we are creating real connection. This helps everyone involved become more attached and secure. As that security deepens within us it allows us to create stronger bonds and support with our children.
Think of it this way, There is a tree that is being watered and nourished just enough to stay alive. Someone comes along and hangs a swing on one of the branches, someone else starts to build a treehouse on another branch, and another decides to climb it. That tree is going to have a very hard time continuing to stand upright. It looks really sturdy to all the people building and swinging and climbing it, but the tree knows that it’s roots aren’t getting what they need. It silently stands knowing all the while that those roots aren’t deep enough to sustain the life that is climbing all around it and that tree is going to fall over.
The more you ask for help and take care of yourself the more you nourish your roots and feed your soul. You aren’t alone in the struggle of being a modern mom, and I encourage you to listen to yourself and challenge the expectations of the modern mother.
For Support in Lane County Visit www.wellmamaoregon.org
For Support Anywhere visit www.postpartum.net